Saturday, July 29, 2006

and then i go and spoil it all by saying something stupid..

With just my reading lamp on, a tealight or 2, class 95 on the radio, I've taken to curling up in my bedroom with a book late at night. ( Its 'The Time Traveler's Wife' at the moment and my bedroom setting adds to the mood just perfectly.) Its always nice to indulge in a little romanticism, belive that love conquers all.

Tonight's family dinner somehow turned into a mass bring the bfs session. oh the horror, of being hounded by the rest.
But it was nice to see the girls all happy, and then some.
But finally.. there's gonna be a wedding in the family soon enough!! Its when you hear sweet stories such as my cousin's bf asking my uncle for her hand in marriage that you believe in true love.

*******
'Ah, but what can we take along
into that other realm? Not the art of looking,
which is learned so slowly, and nothing that happened here.Nothing.
The sufferings, then. And, above all, the heaviness,
and the long experience of love,-just what is wholly unsayable.'
- The Ninth Duino Elegy
*******
Finished my sailing course today and it just made me realise how much i need to keep myself occupied, keep myself active. Such fun to be out there, even if it meant lots of capsizing and even having your boat turn turtle on you when you try to act smart and attempt a dry cap, and then waking up the next day to lots of bruises on your underarm making you look like some abused kid. There's a quiet satisfaction after that, muscles aching. And i guess thats what makes me wanna push myself sometimes, even if it means having wild plans of going to the gym or running or even wanting to go pick up kayaking. (anyone up for that?)

So the day I'm certified a "proficient sailor", I get to say i'm a "proficient driver" as well. Goodbye to assholes attempting to bully me on the road.
the last time you're ever gonna see this...

and then its off!

happily into my tummy.hur.

*******

' Well, I asked Neil Armstrong what he thought about it all.'
'And what did he say?'
'He said that when he saw the earth from the moon for the first time, everything was changed in an instant.'
' I see'
" In an instant, he realised that what he thought about something, depended on which angle he was looking at it from and he added- the more he finds out, the less he knows.'
-Elvis, Jesus and Me
**********
I think I'm beginning to see a silver lining to everything. Even if sometimes it feels like there's a wall, bubble. I see through but choose to be insulated from things. Sometimes, we all just choose the easier way out, letting things just settle to the bottom and then not disturb.

I know myself better.
I own myself.

And then, sometimes we all should just go with the flow. Fate has her way of dealing her cards.

//I hate to think hesitation is a burden
A bittersweet design for a lesson you're learning

wen at 12:53 AM

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Sunday, July 23, 2006

I say a little prayer...

I'm sitting here in semi-darknesson my newly acquired lounger, only my bedside lamps on. I could have just switched on the reading lamp behind me, instead of relying on the glow of my laptop screen to make sure that my fingers are hitting the right keys. I tried. I did. But the glare of the lamp just ruined the romantic atmosphere. All part of the belated process of decorating my room.. giving it the romantic resort feel, complete with the 4 poster bed,curtains, candles... There's something about the beach that gets me going. Guess that explains why I bought that huge print of the sea to put on my wall.I must be doing a good job of romanticising my room, because I'm falling in love with all everything is feeling right now. ( Must be the soppy songs on my ipod)
I'm the ultimate romantic.

And the ultimate sentimental sod.
I went through my boxes where I kept stuff accumulated over the years looking for old photos to pin up and I swore I almost choked up. I guess much of it was cuz of all the dust but there was this odd sensation just reading old notes and looking at familiar faces, familiar places. It was as if my brain heart was working on overdrive;trying to figure out the oddity of how far-away and yet familiar things were; bitter-sweet; notes I chose not to read; photos I took a long time to decide to put away or put up.


The last few days I took a little time off for myself, running my own errands and buying my own stuff around town. No need to make small talk with anyone, no need for anything, just me melting into anonymity I like it this way, a little time out. No deadlines to meet, no need to pander to anyone else. Just me. Picked up books from the library and couldn't help but feel excited. I stopped going to the library for too long and have forgotten how it felt, back in those jc days to snuggle somewhere with a good book.

I had originally intended to lapse into angsty emo mode but I can't, not with ray charles in the background singing " you are so beautiful to me". Instead of going on about how I've come to realize how this world really works, maybe I'll just go on about how this world should work: love everywhere. Maybe I should have joined the bohemian revolution for truth, beauty and love. Thats how life should really be shouldn't it?

living with childish glee and wild abandon.
I'll trust and trust again.


"some people see only what they want to see and if you ask me, it makes the whole world a crossword puzzle without any clues."
gotta make sense of all that blank spaces around me.

//When we walk hand-in-hand, the world becomes a wonderland
It's magic
How else can I explain those rainbows when there isn't rain?
It's magic

wen at 11:51 PM

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Thursday, July 20, 2006

shake it like a polaroid picture.

I'm trying hard to hold on to the images and the brilliant colours of the past 3 days. But maybe I shouldn't will it to be this way, before, like sand, it slips through my fingers. Maybe, if I close my eyes, I'll dream those happy feelings again.

running away from cats.lots of Coldplay blasting on my ipod speakers. lots of seafood. the obligatory booze sessions both in the pool and in the rooms. naptime by the pool on the deckchairs. competing with houseflies for meals. out and away in our own little boat for a day of snorkling.


The crash of the waves. The evening sun, the sand between my toes. And as I look out to sea, everything seems to be taken out into sea. Nothing left. Only a serene sense of being.
I miss Tioman. Or rather, the sense of the being away from everything else. And I knew I was entitled to forget about everything else except my island getaway.

Now that I'm back, lets face the music and dance. Don't wanna cling on to any driftwood, I'll just walk this through on my own. How I think I shouldn't show any sign of weakness.

on the way there


gorgeous sunsets. living the life.


what we do best.. chilling in the pool (complete with the drunk guy who dancing ontop of the bar table and into the bar counter)

my very own corona advert

our day of ultimate paradise



more pool fun


I saw the stars in Tioman. And how they shined for you...


One special moment. One special place.
Let's just live for the moment.

//Sweet dreams are made of this
Who am I to disagree?
I travel the world
And the seven seas
Everybody's looking for something.

wen at 11:32 AM

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Thursday, July 13, 2006

numb

3 shots 1 housepour later and i wasn't even vaguely high. Maybe it was the coffee i had earlier or maybe it was just me being distracted. ( if i had a choice, I would have gone on a long run instead. )
thanks for the excellent company though.


I want to keep the faith still. I don't wanna have to change the way i thought this place was meant to be.
And as i oscillate, trying to find the balance, i find myself asking why.

I'm just waiting for the skies to clear.

Have not heard this in awhile. until just earlier on, at phuture.
//I’m tired of being what you want me to be
Feeling so faithless
Lost under the surface
Don’t know what you’re expecting of me
Put under the pressure
Of walking in your shoes
(Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow)
Every step that I take is another mistake to you
(Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow)
And every second I waste is more than I can take

I’ve become so numb, I can’t feel you there
Become so tired, so much more aware
I’m becoming this
All I want to do
Is be more like me, and be less like you

wen at 5:44 AM

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Tuesday, July 11, 2006

rush to the head

I sincerely cross my heart and hope that my parents aren't reading this. For the half truth they got from me yesterday, I swear they will just flip. I would think quite a few of us are guilty of this.. saying anything but that we were going night cycling. ( which would entail going on the roads and praying hard that your ass doesn't get nicked by any random passing vehicle)

All raring to go off from ECP, waiting for the bikes to pass the Eugene Ngai test and then happily putting our lightsticks on our bikes. We decided to have some fun with the light sticks..


We got off to a rocky start, having to cheong sua because there were some minor route problems.. Think carrying bikes and walking through lalang and crossing drains and going under highways.. All very army like I say. But it was fun roughing it out. I like.

boon,shangren,daniel

the night when 'slow' wasn't on the agenda..


From ECP to kallang to esplanade to labrador park to west coast macs to holland v to orchard to geylang to the airport runway and back to ECP by 6. It was a WONDER that we managed to last..
kallang by night where we interrupted alot of couples. i'm sorrrryyyyyy....


happy at geylang


while waiting for the first plane to take off... we all look like refugees


All the downhills were so worth the pain cheonging uphill. Halfway up, with burning quads, you know there's no way you can stop because it just makes the going even more difficult and the thing that keeps you going is keeping the top in sight.. that one line in the distance. ( it was actually midly fun seeing myself cheong and then pass the guys even. heh)Going down, sans brake-less, gives that heady rush to the head, that adrenaline rush and then you feel so free. And I couldn't help grinning to myself in glee as I went down, the wind in my face, my bike picking up speed.
(Though I suspect I probably wouldn't have been grinning as much if I figured out that I could have killed myself down that AYE slope outside NUS by going down the middle lane without brakes.)



Funny how little things reopen that drawer of memory and then gives your heart a little squeeze and you catch your breath.
that one night i recall.
that familiar gaze.

I never knew how special that time before dawn would feel. The cold breeze, the smell of the sea, the distant lights.
one of those special moments i wish i could keep and remember.
I would try to put how i felt into words, but it would be but a feeble attempt to describe the intangible.
Maybe I could blame the songs which were playing on my ipod, but i just felt like a hug right there and then.

someone to hold me tight and make me feel like everything would be alright.


**********
Its pretty amazing how days fill up slowly and gradually.
Like how i managed to drag myself out of bed on sunday night for thiam's and keat's birthday dinners. I admit, for all my reservations after not seeing this bunch of guys for so long, i was nicely surprised at the ease that everyone had. It felt like nothing had changed since those rg-sji days.

here's to old times



It was awesome to hang out at the coldplay concert!! booze in big gulp cups.. trying not to end up having my face in some guy's wild crop of curly hair.. (he kept backing into me).. singing along... taking lots of photos and videos..my only grouse is that.. THERE WASNT ENOUGH!

countdown!

yayness

this is an awesome shot. like it loads



mini rgs gathering


the dust is settling.
and i'm keeping myself occupied. i like. :) though my mummy amazes me with her utmost concern: not my safety. but rather how i keep getting myself darker and darker.
i think i'm strong. i am. right? and yet there's this ocasional moment where at the very core of things, there's vulnerability. like superman and his kryptonite.

its always nice and fun to do spontaneous stuff. i wish more ppl were like that. cool stuff.

and this has been a mother of an entry.


//Look at the stars,
Look how they shine for you,
And everything you do,
Yeah they were all yellow,

I came along
I wrote a song for you
And all the things you do
And it was called yellow

So then I took my turn
Oh all the things I've done
And it was all yellow

Your skin
Oh yeah your skin and bones
Turn into something beautiful
D'you know you know I love you so

wen at 2:05 AM

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Saturday, July 01, 2006

times like these

Gone through the seemingly endless prep;getting high on the smell of glue and paint; the daily dry runs; worrying about the abysmal guy to gal ratio;evaluating the freshies during registration; surviving on minimal sleep; getting grouchy; daily gossips;running around from TH to law fac and back again;watching each day go past at some crazy speed.. and now, its all over.

Everything went by in a blur. I felt excited when the freshies first came in and i started spotting familiar faces, I felt like dying when i was running on minimal sleep and was just dragging myself all over the place. I felt all so ra-ra when my og was all so jock-like when it came to playing games. I felt at ease when i knew that i had people around who were so concerned for my welfare and offered to 'protect'.I felt so weird when i had to adjust to the idea that i was my ogl in rj's senior now. I felt that wave of nostalgia when i walked down the street along dbl o. Exactly a year ago, i was doing the same thing, just with different people and as a freshie and not a year 2. And i wonder where all the time in between went.

ice breakers n land tele



scavenger hunt..
where they came to strut their stuff


and pay homage to royalty...


jungle trek where my animaniacs ( yacko, wacko, dot and the nurse) did me proud. thanks guys for being such a sport.


thoughout this camp, i realized that so many people had those beer singlets...


universal studios where you saw ppl like never before


sun-kissed


then there was formal d

hum-sum boys


table photo

all girl photo.. or maybe not.

og photo

jonathan my ogl while i was in j1...

yacko and dot!

with the 2 hottest freshies..

lets go retro!!


This camp was as much a discovery for the freshies as it was for me and those around me.
its all so tempting to jump into the foray and give your 2 cents worth. But sometimes, you restrain yourself and know that you are not one to judge.
//it's times like these you learn to live again
it's times like these you give and give again
it's times like these you learn to love again
it's times like these time and time again

I am a new day rising
I'm a brand new sky
to hang the stars upon tonight
I am a little divided
do I stay or run away
and leave it all behind?


screwed up.
I never thought relationships between people were going to be so difficult to manage. What happened to the simple innocent thing of yesteryear?

Ignorance was bliss. While it lasted. And all of a sudden, i realize the joke is on me. I was naive, thinking everything was working out fine. All too easy. I was swept away by the tide of things. I wonder what it would be like if i saw this through cold clinical eyes.
I felt so damn vulnerable. The run did me good. I felt in control. Even for awhile. I found myself praying for strength to overcome the pain from those cramps.

Thank you for sounding the alarm. Thanks for semi-scolding me. and then, thanks for knowing who i really am and standing by me.
This is how things are really supposed to be aren't they. Who to trust. Who to believe. Who to place my faith in.

And then i don't think i know anything anymore.

i couldn't be more honest.

//don't leave me high
don't leave me dry

wen at 9:17 PM

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